Things Vaan Is No Longer Allowed to Do in Ivalice
by Mariagoner
Summary: Because this simply begged to be written. Honestly! Contains Vaan, Ashe, Basch, Larsa and Penelo in various combinations.


Written because fandom needs more fun. And because my mind does _straaaaaaange_ things at three in the morning. And because it's **quastar**'s birthday and I ain't never known anyone who loves Vaan like he does. Happy birthday, darling! ♥

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**Title: 20 Things The Dread Pirate Ratsbane Is No Longer Allowed To Do In Ivalice  
Fandom: Final Fantasy XII  
Characters/Pairings: Vaan, possible Ashe/Vaan and Basch/Vaan, Vossler, Balthier, Penelo/Larsa  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Because this simply _begged_ to be written. Honestly!**

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1. First and foremost, no longer allowed to try and pass this list off as some sort of joke that is _not_ backed up by the highest authorities in all three ruling nations within the present continent, as well as your sky pirating partner, your land-lord, your employers, your employ_ees_, your grocers, your hair-cutters, the moogles that work on your ship and damn near all the good people of Ivalice.

2. And second, you are not to view any of the following as either innuendo or a challenge either.

3. Not allowed to get any _more_ of Lady Ashe's blue-blooded suitors piss-drunk and then have them arm-wrestle bangaa soldiers from the royal army to see if they're really strong enough to survive a tumble in bed with her.

(And the smile that always graces her face afterwards doesn't mean she condones your actions. _Really._)

4. Not allowed to file a suit of sexual harassment against Al-Cid Margrace for having exposed nipples that follow you around constantly.

5. Or one against any and all of the viera of Ivalice for not climbing into bed with you as soon as they encounter you.

6. Or against your sky pirate for, and one quotes, "never, _ever_ freaking sharing any."

None of us, especially your intensely long-suffering partner, wish to know precisely what that means.

7. No longer allowed to sneak in blonde ladies of little virtue into the Archadian palace in an apparent effort to "get Larsa to loosen up a little" and "finally have some damn fun before he gets _too_ attached to that crazy harpy," who-- by the way-- is _still_ strong enough to kick your sorry rear from here to Ambervale and don't you forget it either.

8. No longer allowed to parade the streets of Bhujerba in a nostalgic haze of drunken glory whilst screaming about the resurrection of Basch fon Rosenburg and handing out illegible pamphlets proclaiming that the end is near and that only those that only embrace his love in their hearts will be shown mercy.

9. No. _Seriously_.

10. Never, ever, _ever_ again allowed to try and bribe His Imperial Highness Larsa Ferrinas Solidor into divulging whether the Most Honorable Judge Magister Gabranth really _is_ a natural blond like Balthier has been claiming all these years.

(If you want to know, you'll have to leap into the fray to find out yourself. At least if the Lady Ashe doesn't rip your throat out for having the temerity.)

11. In addition, not allowed to tell courtiers that His Majesty "gettin' some from his honey bun" when His Majesty is late for another private audience due to... personal matters which concern nothing but his own (and someone else's) personal beings.

Your partner would at least prefer you call her by a more dignified nickname, if you can't keep your giant trap shut anyway.

And Sugar Thighs doesn't count either.

12. And _definitely_ not permitted to try and "goof off in Larsa's place for just a bit" on occasion to see if it would suit you better than being professionally robbing graves for a living.

You cannot, you never shall and you really should stop before said Imperial Highness resorts to shoving up a scepter in a _very_ uncomfortable place for displacing his paperwork constantly.

13. No longer allowed to try and personally investigate rumors that the Lady Ashe had a "bigger dick" than any of the men she spent over a year saving her country with "for the honor of the kingdom."

(_Especially_ if suspicions are correct about you being the one who spread the rumors in the first place.)

14. No longer allowed to create a bonfire of sandle-wood chops confiscated from the treasury while yelling about misplaced wood in Archades.

15. In fact, come to think of it, not allowed to make any more comments about the state of wood within the national trousers of Archadia.

Especially not in the presence of a certain sky pirate or an even more susceptible queen.

15. No longer authorized to go anywhere near the Junior Judges after stealing a suit of armor in an attempt to teach them CONSTANT VIGILANCE in all things.

16. Or to try and psychoanalyze the burning passion Judge Magister Zargabaath must feel for Judge Magister Gabranth sweet throbbing loins of burning, brazen beauty.

17. And furthermore, no longer allowed to even so much as _whisper_ of loins around Judge Magister Gabranth's presence any more. Unless you prefer having a sexual harassment suit claimed against _you_ eventually.

18. (And for your own safety, you _really_ should reconsider the idea of viewing the above as either innuendo or a challenge here.)

19. Dressing up as Vossler Yorkes for All Hallow's Eve does _not_ ensure an all access pass to Her Majesty Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca's non-existent royal orgies. No matter how many completely false rumors your spread to the contrary.

20. And finally, you will never be permitted to stop flaunting any of the present rules posted up and finding ways of forcing us to create new ones, regardless of how much time passes by or how many people fade away or how many new stories have to be invented of you and your daring, over all the long, long years.

Happy 23th birthday, Dread Pirate Ratsbane. We all hope you'll come to enjoy the years of mischief still being held at bay here.


End file.
